Have Your mercy on me.

Have you all been in a love-hate relationship situation with something or someone?

Amazingly, I'm in a love-hate relationship with myself. feeling weird? yeah, me too, it is indeed. Since it is the first time, I'm having this really weird situation, I have no idea what to do or what I should do. For most of the time, I hate myself, I hate the way I am now, I hate the way I think, I hate the way I live, I hate the way I speak, I hate the way I act. But in the same time, I often pamper myself much more than usual as if I love myself more than ever; as if I need to favor my soul all the time.

Am I denying myself? Am I denying my situation? or Am I in the process of accepting the situation?

There are so many questions in my mind, but no one can answer me, not even one question, not even my parents, not even my beloved ones, not even myself. Maybe it's His way to get myself closer to Him?

I'm sorry if I have bad temperament these days, I just feel like my soul and my body are separated. They have their own brains and veins and I'm lost between them. I'm just lost in myself and I see no future if I continue doing what I'm doing now. I'm so alone.